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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Fuck You

This post is dedicated to all the people or things that piss me off as a large woman. Some of the references may be a little oblique; I have added a “cheat sheet” at the bottom explaining my reasons for some of the items that may puzzle you. So, without further ado:

Fuck you, Dr. Bernstein.
Fuck you, Jenny Craig.
Fuck you, Weight Watchers.
Fuck you, Slimband.
Fuck you, The Biggest Loser.
Fuck you, Dean Blundell, Todd Shapiro, Fearless Fred, and Alan Cross.
Fuck you, Kirstie Alley.
Fuck you, Abs of Steel.
Fuck you, Bowflex.
Fuck you, grapefruit.
Fuck you, Bobby Vinton.
Fuck you, One size fits all.
Fuck you, everyone who’s ever gotten a laugh at my expense.
Fuck you, envious people who begrudge you even a smidgen of success.
Fuck you, the guy on Craigslist who’s trying to dissuade people from reading my blog.
Fuck you, fat haters.
Fuck you, kids who bully fat kids.
Fuck you, Michael Karolchyk.
Fuck you, Howard Stern.
Fuck you, Hugh Hefner, Bob Guccione, and Larry Flynt.
Fuck you, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
Fuck you, MeMe Roth. (yes, that is how she actually spells her name. It makes sense, because she thinks it's all about HerHer.)
Fuck you, Neil Peart.
Fuck you, Twiggy.
Fuck you, Kate Moss.
Fuck you, Linda Evangelista.
Fuck you, Michelle Obama.
Fuck you, people who think that fat people are just lazy, gluttonous wastes of oxygen.
Fuck you, skinny or average-sized women who think they own all the hot men.
Fuck you, every woman who’s ever gotten a free ride in life solely due to her looks.
Fuck you, clothing manufacturers who think that the only clothes fat women deserve are polyester tents and sweatshirts with sequins or cats on the front.
Fuck you, jeans manufacturers.
Fuck you, diet book authors.
Fuck you, Wallis Simpson.
Fuck you, Jackie Onassis.
Fuck you, Cloris Leachman.
Fuck you, Helen Gurley Brown.
Fuck you, Maura Kelly and Marie Claire.
Fuck you, Karl Lagerfeld and Oscar de la Renta.
Fuck you, every guy who’s ever lied to me and used me.
Fuck you, every guy who’s ever fallen in love with me sight unseen, then fallen out of love with me as soon as he saw me.
Fuck you, phony, two-faced people.
Fuck you, foot fetishists. I don’t care what you want to do to my toes, okay?
Fuck you, the guy who asked me if those were really my tits on my blog.
Fuck you, Thinsations.
Fuck you, yogurt “desserts”. Yogurts are not dessert, dammit. Cheesecake is dessert.
Fuck you, Neil Patrick Harris and David Spade.
Fuck you, Marianne Williamson.
Fuck you, high heels.

Cheat Sheet:

  • Dr. Bernstein: Starvation diet peddler in Canada. It’s all about the green.
  • Dean Blundell, Todd Shapiro, Fearless Fred, and Alan Cross: deejays on a Toronto radio station, 102.1. They call themselves The Edge, but they should really just call themselves what they are: The Assholes.
  • Kirstie Alley: Fat or thin, I just can’t stand her. One of the most classless people on the planet.
  • Bobby Vinton: singer of the classic polka song “She’s Too Fat For Me” with the tender lyrics: “I don’t want her, you can have her, she’s too fat for me”.
  • Michael Karolchyk: Sleazy, loud-mouthed fitness guru who looks like he was weaned on steroids, proudly wears "No Chubbies" t-shirts, and degrades fat people every chance he gets.
  • Hugh Hefner, Bob Guccione, and Larry Flynt: publishers of Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler.
  • MeMe Roth: Anti-obesity activist who thinks all fat people are weak, greedy losers, a drain on the health care system, and probably responsible for global warming too.
  • Neil Peart: This one hurts, because he used to be one of my heroes. The drummer for Rush, one of my favourite rock bands of all time, but a loud-mouthed fat hater. When I read his biography/travelogue “Ghost Rider”, I was so shocked and disgusted at the multitude of fat hating comments that I think I threw it across the room. This is the sensitive intellect who came up with the concept for 2112? Hard to believe.
  • Twiggy: Famous ‘60s fashion model who really popularized the anorexic, “waif” look.
  • Kate Moss: The modern-day Twiggy.
  • Linda Evangelista: One of the original “supermodels” who once said she wouldn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000.00.
  • Michelle Obama: I think her anti-obesity campaign to help children live healthier lifestyles is just fat hate in disguise.
  • Wallis Simpson: socialite who got Edward II to abdicate and marry her, responsible for the adage: “You can never be too rich or too thin.”
  • Jackie Onassis: style icon, former wife of JFK, married billionaire Aristotle Onassis strictly for his money, and said that she didn’t want her clothes copied because she didn’t want to see “any little fat women hopping about” in them.
  • Cloris Leachman: D-list actress whose biggest claim to fame was the role of Phyllis on the 70s TV show Rhoda. She once (actually I’m sure it was more than once) said that “fat catchers” should net all fat people and “put them on diets”.
  • Helen Gurley Brown: former editor of Cosmopolitan magazine, who once said that if you think you can eat whatever you want, you’re an asshole.
  • Maura Kelly and Marie Claire: Maura Kelly, blogger who wrote an especially hateful diatribe against fat people with Marie Claire’s blessing. What’s especially galling about it is that she’s as ugly as hell, so who is she to talk about what’s unattractive?
  • Karl Lagerfeld and Oscar de la Renta: bigwig fashion people who can’t stand the thought of fat people wearing their designs.
  • Thinsations: 100-calorie snacks that wouldn’t satisfy an ant.
  • Neil Patrick Harris and David Spade: just because. They both look like fat-hating little twerps.
  • Marianne Williamson: millionaire self-help guru who preaches about unconditional love, and recently wrote “A Course in Weight Loss”, which is just fat hate in another name and an easy money-grab.

4 comments:

  1. Cloris Leachman said that fat people should be locked in cages and starved down to an acceptable size before being let out in public again.

    I was a pre-teen when I heard her say that on a talk show. It still stings (and I'm 46 now).

    ReplyDelete
  2. I guess she must have made the quote I mentioned at another time, then. Nice, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  3. great list i can agree with about 90 percent of them the other 10 im just too manly

    its really stunning what comes out of these peoples assholes they dont have mouths and the diseased diahreah just flows and flows they must love the taste plus they know it hurts people like the comment above

    this has got nothing to do with fuck you more screw you cause im not a fan but dr ruth westheimer was in the israeli army it doesnt matter over there male or female you are in the real army she was a sniper

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dr. Ruth was a sniper? Holy fuck. :)

    ReplyDelete