BBWs: Keep Your Clothes On If You Want a Relationship

I know it sounds contradictory, but the advice in my blog post title has come from hard-won experience. Today's post is about the disturbing trend and the disturbing number of women I have seen on various BBW Facebook pages posing with very little clothing on, displaying their breasts like prize-winning melons.

Far too many BBWs rely solely on the lure of their buxom bodies to attract a mate, but this can actually be a self-defeating tactic. It may seem like a surefire way to attract a man, but you're actually sabotaging your chances of finding love when you reduce yourself to a sexual object. Men want relationships with women they admire, love, and respect. They get the chance to ogle, leer, and drool at scores of different women every day ... but who do they come home to? Who do they lie down with every night? Not the hoochie on the corner, trying to entice him with her brand new lingerie.

Yes, breasts are beautiful. Yes, cleavage is sexy. And yes, most BBWs have an ample supply of both. So why not show them off? You're not ashamed of your body, right? As a matter of fact, you're damn proud of your body, and you LOVE showing it off! Well ... if that's the case, then go right ahead and do it. But ask yourself this: How successful are you in the relationship department? Do you have a man at your side who you can count on? Does he respect and appreciate you? Is he public about his love for you? Is he proud to have you at his side?

If you're putting semi-nude pictures of yourself on the internet, you likely do not have such a man in your life. You may think that all is fair in love and war, it's competitive as hell out there, and you need to use every tactic at your disposal to find the right man. But ask yourself this: Do you think a man who is reliable, respectful, proud, and appreciative of you would approve of you putting your body parts on display for hundreds or thousands of other men to see? Do you think he'd publicly declare you his lifemate?

It always amazes me when I see any woman do this, but it especially amazes me when I see more "mature" (older) BBWs do it. You'd think they would know better. What kind of man do you think you're attracting by posing like this?

Softcore pornography may catch a man's attention, but it won't capture his heart. If it's a serious relationship you're looking for, drop the digital camera or the webcam and start showcasing your beautiful personality and character instead. You may not get as many comments on your Facebook status or emails in your inbox, but you stand a far better chance of finding a legitimate love match.

Plus ... it's simply a hell of a lot classier.

Recommended Reading: Great Self-Help Books & Authors

I think my unquenchable thirst for self-help books began when I first saw John Bradshaw, author of "Homecoming" on Oprah. I believe he coined the term "inner child" and he absolutely fascinated me with his impassioned lectures on abusive childhoods, childhood wounds, shame, and blame. I was hooked.

After my introduction to Dr. Bradshaw, I began loading my bookshelves with everything I could get my hands on psychology-wise. I lived between the pages for many years, trying to figure out my life. Now I can say that although I might not have every single answer I've been looking for, I'm definitely more enlightened than I was before I came under the tutelage of these great teachers.

Here is a list of some of my favourite self-help/psychology/new age books. There are definitely more, which will probably necessitate my doing a "Part 2" to this vlog ... but for now, here are a few essentials that I think anyone could benefit from. Notice that only one of these books is specifically dedicated to food, weight, and size ... the rest of them just offer great advice and enlightenment that will help people of all sizes flourish.

Enjoy!

THE LIST:

"You Can Heal Your Life", Louise Hay. 1984, Hay House.

"Inner Wisdom", Louise Hay. 2000, Hay House.

"The Only Diet There Is", Sondra Ray. 1981, Celestial Arts.

"The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success", Deepak Chopra. 1994, Amber-Allen Publishing, New World Library.

"The Power of Now", Eckhart Tolle. 1997, Namaste Publishing.

"The Law of Attraction", Esther & Jerry Hicks. 2006, Hay House.

"Your Sacred Self", Dr. Wayne Dyer. 1995, Harper.

"The 5 Rules of Thought", Mary T. Browne. 2007, Atria Books.

Reversing Fat Thoughts

Welcome back to part two of our "fat thoughts" exercise. Watch the video above for my suggestions on where these thoughts originate from and what to do about them.

The two main sources of negative fat thoughts are: 1. negative, destructive people who really have no clue about the power of their words, and 2. well-meaning people who simply have biases and prejudices against weight. What they say to us can only matter if we allow it to ... if we give their opinions more validity than our own.

What we allow to inhabit our minds is what will determine the quality of our lives. You've probably heard the phrase "Garbage In/Garbage Out". If you allow negativity to become the compass for where you want to go, you'll end up somewhere you don't want to be.

You have so many wonderful qualities. Start recognizing them and celebrating them. They are undeniably a part of you. Just because some people don't have the ability to see them doesn't mean they aren't there.

Have a fantastic week!

Oh No ... I'm Aware of My Fat!

I used to be a big fan of the Peanuts comic strip when I was growing up in the '70s. I could totally relate to Charlie Brown -- Mr. Outcast, Mr. Depressed, Mr. Can't-Get-No-Respect. I definitely felt like his female counterpart. Then, of course, there were all the other characters. We all knew someone who was a Lucy -- a pushy, loudmouthed, know-it-all. Thankfully, a lot of us also had our own personal Linus, a sensitive sort who'd always listen sympathetically to what we had to say.

I remember one Peanuts strip in particular that always stuck with me. I don't know why, but it did. It was the "Oh No ... I'm Aware of My Tongue!" strip. Does anyone else remember this? I have included it above. Unfortunately, the print is a little small, so I will reproduce the dialogue here for your reading ease:

Linus (looking very worried, with his hands over his mouth): Oh no! Not again!
Lucy: What in the world is the matter with you?
Linus: I'm aware of my tongue.
Lucy: You're what?
Linus: I'm aware of my tongue ... It's an awful feeling! Every now and then I become aware that I have a tongue inside my mouth, and then it starts to feel all lumped up ...
Lucy: That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard!
Linus: I can't help it ... I can't put it out of  my mind ... I keep thinking about where my tongue would be if I weren't thinking about it, and then I can feel it sort of pressing against my teeth ... Now it feels all lumped up again .... the more I try to put it out of my mind, the more I think about it ...
Lucy (arms in the air, walking away): Good grief!
Lucy (she is standing still)
Lucy: (now her hands are over her mouth): Oh no!
Lucy (going back and screaming at Linus): I oughta knock your block off!

I love this comic! Other than simply being hilarious, it is also extremely wise. It's a perfect example of how we can allow an unpleasant thought to overtake our minds and become an obsession. For some reason, this comic revisited my mind recently, and I started thinking: How often have we found ourselves being aware of our fat? What situations or settings make you acutely aware of your fat in an unpleasant way?

Maybe you were at a party, looked around, and felt like you were the biggest person there. I think a lot of us were aware of our fat in school. Were you the biggest one in class, or the next-biggest? How far up or down the fat scale were you? A dressing room in a store is a great place for becoming ultra-aware of your fat -- particularly if you need to buy something for a special occasion, like a wedding. How about at a swimming pool or the beach? Yeah, you're definitely aware of your fat there.

Then there are those of us who are ALWAYS aware of our fat, every single second of every single day. It's no way to live your life. If you kept track of every single moment that your fat entered your mind, what would the tally be at the end of the day? A day has 24 hours. Let's subtract 8 of them for sleep, leaving us with 16 hours of thought. How much of those 16 hours of thought is consumed by your fat?

An interesting experiment to try is to keep track of your "fat thoughts" in a journal. Every time you have a fat thought  (my ass is bigger than hers, OMG my stomach is hanging out, I have to try that new diet) write it down in your journal. Try to do this vigilantly for a few days. Then go back and take a look. If you have pages and pages of fat thoughts, those pages are taking up space in your mind and leaving less room for better thoughts to dwell (I feel wonderful today. I really want to take that class, it looks so interesting. I would be perfect for that job. I love the way my boobs look in this top.)

Wouldn't you rather live your life with these kinds of thoughts in your mind rather than critical ones?

One of the ways to learn how to deal with fat thoughts is simply to become aware of them. Try this "Tracking Your Fat Thoughts" exercise along with me:

Next week, we'll discuss what to do with these thoughts after we have become aware of exactly what they are and how frequently they occur.

I dream of living my life without awareness of my fat even entering the picture. It would be wonderful to live in a world where the fact of being fat is so insignificant that it's just a visual phenomenon that all humans take for granted, like the sun, trees, or grass. Our fat just simply IS, like all those other natural things ... something that we see every day and something that everyone has accepted as just being part of life on planet Earth.

Fat-on-Fat Hate and Some Baffling Dynamics in the Size Acceptance Community

Today's post is about something I have noticed for quite some time ... the dichotomy in the behaviour displayed by some people in the size acceptance community.

While size acceptance is very positive in theory (and there are many wonderful activists out there doing great work and helping countless numbers of people), some supporters of size acceptance don't practice what they preach. Size acceptance is not just about acceptance of a person's size; it is also about acceptance of people in general. This includes not only their bodies, but their opinions.

Naturally, we are not all going to have matching opinions. We all have our own views and beliefs, and we also believe that we have very good reasons for having them. However, if  someone's opinion differs from yours and you find yourself compelled to argue incessantly with someone about it, it's a clue that something beyond simple disagreement is going on. 

In my experience with this blog, I have encountered a few people in the size acceptance community who simply seem wired to argue. These are people who have been quick to tell me that I am wrong; that I am expressing myself incorrectly (some of them even offered their own alternatives for me); or that I have other faulty traits that I need to correct immediately. I have noticed two common denominators with these people: 1. They are always strangers; and 2. They are always women.

I don't mind people disagreeing with me. When stating your opinion in a public forum, disagreements are guaranteed. They are to be expected. However, long after a disagreement has been aired and a stalemate declared, if someone keeps coming at me and insists on telling me how to think, how to write, and how to conduct myself, that is a different matter. That's when it stops being a simple disagreement and more like a bizarre kind of controlling behavior.

It's really about respect. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. You are free to state that and your reasons why, and I will accept that. But if you insist on trying to convert me to your way of thinking, that's where I draw the line. Respect my right to think differently, as I do yours.

I have also noticed a strange dichotomy within size acceptance leadership. Rather than receiving newcomers to the cause with open arms, my personal experience with the community thus far has been mostly indifference. I have wondered why. Is it that I'm not political enough? Academic enough? Cool enough? Entertaining enough? No answer anyone could give me would probably satisfy me. I believe that at least part of the reason for this is a phenomenon that occurs with any large organization. In any large organization of people (whether it's a business or simply a group of people with a common interest, such as size acceptance) there are always hierarchies and ranks. The people who "got there first" or who are favored (for whatever reason) dwell higher up the pole than others. The circle is extremely tight-knit and entry or acceptance into this circle is difficult to negotiate. It would be nice if we were all just automatically given the attention and recognition we deserve for our efforts, but how often are the higher-ups in any organization generous about sharing the wealth?

I wish that these petty issues within the size acceptance community didn't exist, and it would be nice if we could all band together in our common cause of life, love, and liberty for people of all sizes and live happily ever after. It appears that we are just as dysfunctional in our own way, though. We need to work on that.

I need to close the written portion of my blog today by stressing that I have met many wonderful women and men in the size acceptance community who have welcomed me warmly, considered what I have to say and either agreed or disagreed with me in a respectful way, and who have made me feel that doing this blog is one of my reasons for living. I love you all, my regular readers and viewers, and your regular visits to this blog and sharing your comments means so much to me.Your love and positivity far outweigh any random negativity I have encountered.

I hope you enjoy the new vlog and let me know what you think!

Recommended Reading: Great Fat Books

Few things are more satisfying than a really good read. I have been a book lover for as long as I can remember. Even before I could read, I was fascinated with them. Small wonder that they have become so important in my life.

I love books of all kinds, but some of the books that are the most special to me are books about fat. Some of them fall into the non-fiction category and some are novels, but both genres have the same things in common: they are about women like me and I have never forgotten them.

These books have earned prized places on my bookshelf and in my heart. I would like to share them with you in case they haven't graced your life yet. I guarantee that you will find something familiar, encouraging, supportive, cathartic, and uplifting in every single one.

I hope you enjoy my list, and as I say in my video, if you know of any books that you would like to recommend to me or any other readers, please comment and let me know.

THE LIST

Fat!So? by Marilyn Wann. 1998, Ten Speed Press.

Shadow on a Tightrope: Writings by Women on Fat Oppression. 1983, Aunt Lute Book Company.

No Fat Chicks, by Terry Poulton. 1996, Key Porter Books.

Succulent Wild Woman, by SARK. 1997, Fireside Books.

Fat Girl: A True Story, by Judith Moore. 2005, Hudson Street Press.

Confessions of a Carb Queen, by Susan Blech with Caroline Bock. 2008, Rodale.

Lady Oracle, by Margaret Atwood. 1976, Seal Books.

Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York, by Gail Parent. 1972, Bantam Books.

Two Girls, Fat and Thin, by Mary Gaitskill. 1991, Bantam Books.

She's Come Undone, by Wally Lamb. 1992, Pocket Books.

Vlog #3: Wanting vs. Having ... and How It Can Fuck You Up

Today's vlog was inspired by something I went through  last week ... and it's brought to you from one of my favourite hangouts! I often get very profound thoughts there and this was no exception. Sometimes my moments of clarity stun me. :)

I am an emotional eater. I have been an emotional eater for a very long time. Food has been a comfort, a solace, an escape, and a respite for me in times of frustration. However, I have also been aware of my emotional eating tendencies for a very long time, and even though I'm still not immune to its lure, I do have a much better understanding of it.

Life is always throwing us curveballs. Just when we think we have a handle on things, or can reliably foresee what is going to happen, we get blindsided by unpredictability. This can happen on a small scale or a large scale, but the effect is much the same: We get pissed off. We get depressed.

A day like today can trigger countless binges. If you don't have a Valentine in your life, it's easy to get depressed and start spiralling down into negative thinking. You might have thoughts like: Another Valentine's Day alone. I'll never meet anyone special. I'll always be single. Etc etc etc., ad nauseum.

These negative thoughts are destructive, useless, and most importantly unrealistic. Some of us tend to catastrophize when everything in our lives is not completely perfect or running according to our timetable.

This post is dedicated to anyone who has used food as a coping mechanism at times like this (or any other time), and I hope that the thoughts I share are helpful.