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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

BBWs: Keep Your Clothes On If You Want a Relationship

I know it sounds contradictory, but the advice in my blog post title has come from hard-won experience. Today's post is about the disturbing trend and the disturbing number of women I have seen on various BBW Facebook pages posing with very little clothing on, displaying their breasts like prize-winning melons.

Far too many BBWs rely solely on the lure of their buxom bodies to attract a mate, but this can actually be a self-defeating tactic. It may seem like a surefire way to attract a man, but you're actually sabotaging your chances of finding love when you reduce yourself to a sexual object. Men want relationships with women they admire, love, and respect. They get the chance to ogle, leer, and drool at scores of different women every day ... but who do they come home to? Who do they lie down with every night? Not the hoochie on the corner, trying to entice him with her brand new lingerie.

Yes, breasts are beautiful. Yes, cleavage is sexy. And yes, most BBWs have an ample supply of both. So why not show them off? You're not ashamed of your body, right? As a matter of fact, you're damn proud of your body, and you LOVE showing it off! Well ... if that's the case, then go right ahead and do it. But ask yourself this: How successful are you in the relationship department? Do you have a man at your side who you can count on? Does he respect and appreciate you? Is he public about his love for you? Is he proud to have you at his side?

If you're putting semi-nude pictures of yourself on the internet, you likely do not have such a man in your life. You may think that all is fair in love and war, it's competitive as hell out there, and you need to use every tactic at your disposal to find the right man. But ask yourself this: Do you think a man who is reliable, respectful, proud, and appreciative of you would approve of you putting your body parts on display for hundreds or thousands of other men to see? Do you think he'd publicly declare you his lifemate?

It always amazes me when I see any woman do this, but it especially amazes me when I see more "mature" (older) BBWs do it. You'd think they would know better. What kind of man do you think you're attracting by posing like this?

Softcore pornography may catch a man's attention, but it won't capture his heart. If it's a serious relationship you're looking for, drop the digital camera or the webcam and start showcasing your beautiful personality and character instead. You may not get as many comments on your Facebook status or emails in your inbox, but you stand a far better chance of finding a legitimate love match.

Plus ... it's simply a hell of a lot classier.


  1. this is a hard truth, we want to feel sexy, but we need to re-think what sexy is, I think sexy needs to step back a few decades think the golden age of cinema

  2. Anonymous, do you mean the golden age of cinema in which women of color and women of size were largely ignored by the media? Cuz I sure hope there is space between total display of the goods and totally being ignored...

  3. I'm curious, you think this post might offend the models for the magazine you have your column in? Particularly the one in the cover showing in your sidebar here?

  4. It shouldn't, because I'm not talking about BBW models. I'm talking about BBWs who pose provocatively in order to attract a mate. However, as I have discovered, many in my own community have completely disregarded my main point and chosen to make all kinds of assumptions about my beliefs ... all of which are totally imaginary and erroneous.

    Just a note ... the model on the LIC cover on the sidebar was a beautiful young woman who passed away a year or so ago. I have absolutely nothing against her pose here, or other BBW models posing like this for artistic or personal expression purposes ... I was simply commentating here on the advisability of posing in a revealing manner to get the attention of a mate.

    Hope that clears things up.

  5. there are also a lot of other BBW who post pics like that who are indeed in a relationship and only do it for one reason because they want to not to attract a partner your wrong ...

  6. Oh, okay, so posing provocatively is okay as long as you're doing it for money? Non-models couldn't ever be doing it "for artistic or personal expression purposes"? How do you determine the intent of non-models who post provocative photos, that you find it appropriate to insinuate they are akin to low-class hoochies on the corner?

    What is very clear here is that you're taking your own personal judgmental, biased and conservative views and couching them as well-meaning "advice" for the lost souls. A HUGE miss.

  7. What's with the slut shaming? Speaking as a person who proudly wears low cut tops and tight fitting clothes on her 300 pound hella awesome bod I have attracted all kinds of partners and partnerships. They may not be what makes you happy but they sure as hell make me happy. Stop being so judgemental and let people live and let live, especially those who have worked so hard to accept and reclaim their bodies. Don't we all deal with enough shame as it is?

  8. Okay, after reading your final comment here I understand that you had something specific in mind, but the claims of the community are not as erroneous or imaginary as you seem to believe. Your article makes some really specific remarks about the community in general and you have seriously failed to distinguish the target of your criticism. Your article addresses "women you have seen on various BBW Facebook pages posing with very little clothing on, displaying their breasts like prize-winning melons" and does not stipulate to target a specific group of those women as you claim.

    As a BBW porn star, I have to say I understand how you can see things this way, but something your article seems to misconceive is that we don't model to find men. Do I get attention from men from my photos? Yes. Was that the sole objective? No. We are not "hoochies on the corner" just because we enjoy being playful and sexy, and just because a woman is trying to challenge society's idea of beauty, that does not mean all men will find her undesirable as a partner. You may think that I'm being naive, so be it, but my fans know to treat me with respect, and they also know that I am a whole lot more than my pin-up photos. I think women in general, but bigger women especially, place WAY too much importance on having a man in their life. Our self-worth should not be determined by our relationship status. And to refute some of your experience with some of my own, I have had many decent men tell me that they believe a sexually liberated and adventurous woman is one of the things they desire in a partner. As a woman, for you to make a claim that men believe the industry is abhorrent and refuse to "come home to" someone like me, that says a lot about YOUR own personal feelings. I am curious to see the data on the test group of males you polled to make these claims, because I have no problem finding a boyfriend.

  9. Before I became a BBW model (I was a small model when I was a teen also but took a 20 year break), I did all the things you say not to do. The only time I have been without a man is when I wanted to be single not because I could not keep one. I am one of those women who like being single though; lol.
    No matter how you present your package the bottom line is what is between the ears (intellect) and in the heart. I had the exact opposite reaction (than what is posted here) from the one you state will happen. My current 2 + year relationship started at a BBW Bash where I was half naked. Our first date was at a swinger club. We started off only wanting sex from each other; however, once we realized there was so much more going on intellectually, we fell in love; that crazy movie love, people say does not exist, where you still cannot get enough of each other after 2 years or 50 years. Each person has his or her idea of wifey material; some want your style, some want our style. If you think this is a rarity, you should listen further because I am not the only one who had a perfect mate who started off being the... how did you put it "Hoochie on the corner" (swingers and exhibitionist is an accurate description though). No, I am not offended, I just want to show that every story has two sides, and your story is immensely one sided; based on opinion but almost stated as fact (when you ask what the results will be). Everyone has a right to opinion; so again, I am not taking any of this personally. I respect your opinion and just wanted to share some examples from our side of the coin so to speak.

  10. Thank you for all the comments, everyone. I seriously had no idea this blog post would ignite such an emotional firestorm ... I was honestly flabbergasted. It definitely warrants much more discussion and analysis and my next blog will be a response not only to the criticisms and disagreements I received, but the general tone of the response itself, which has been overwhelmingly hostile.

    I am very disappionted that a blog post I had intended to do some good actually generated so much bad. That was not my intention at all. I had no desire to shame, judge, or make anyone feel bad with my statements ... my genuine intent was to help a segment of BBWs out there who I believe are not acting in their own best interests. I obviously missed the mark here, big time. I will address it next week!

    Thanks again for reading and commenting.

  11. I think the problem is that the language used in the blog post was truly insulting to any plus size girl who chooses to pose nude or semi-nude, regardless of the motivation.

    This paragraph was of particular influence to the way people are responding to you: "You're not ashamed of your body, right? As a matter of fact, you're damn proud of your body, and you LOVE showing it off! Well ... if that's the case, then go right ahead and do it. But ask yourself this: How successful are you in the relationship department? Do you have a man at your side who you can count on? Does he respect and appreciate you? Is he public about his love for you? Is he proud to have you at his side?"

    It really seems to the reader that you are insinuating that a woman who is proud of her body, who has the confidence to believe that she is sexy even against the norms of the media, and who shows off her confidence and her body, will never find a decent man who is proud of her. I think perhaps you didn't take into account how insulting your language sounds. I am definitely not saying that was your aim. I can see your clear intention, but you definitely did not stop to consider what it is you were actually saying to the BBW model community with your words. You are certainly entitled to your opinion. But that is all this article really is, an uninformed opinion.

  12. I don't know which Gabriela to believe, the Gabriela here on the blog that seems open to the feelings and opinions of others and is capable of self-reflection, or the Gabriela on facebook that says the people that gave her a hard time over this subject can "shove their indignation up their ass(es)". It makes you seem disingenuous and like you don't actually believe you said anything offensive.

    From what I saw, nobody derailed the topic you were discussing, they were addressing the underlying issues with your approach to the subject. You can take the criticisms and learn from them and either change your perspective or learn to be more objective when you're speaking to a very diverse crowd and keep your personal beliefs out of your blog, or you can not change a thing, continue to brush off people that take offense to what you say as hostile detractors, and I can guarantee you will lose listeners faster than you can say "hoochie on the corner".

  13. Becca,

    In hindsight, I can see that perhaps some of the language I chose to use was not the wisest ... but I sincerely believe in the underlying content of my message and I stand by it. As I said, I will be posting a response to this whole situation next week, because it has really disturbed me and brings to light what I believe is a really destructive dynamic in the fat community.

    To say my opinion is "uninformed", however, is ridiculous. I am a fat woman, have been a fat woman for most of my life, and my own experiences have informed me very well to be able to speak about this topic. They may not be the same as yours, but they are just as valid.

  14. Anonymous (the last one ... so many people posting anonymously),

    I guess you must have been on another planet if you didn't see how anhone derailed the topic I was discussing ... but you Big Fat World members do tend to put the blinders on to anythign you don't agree with, so that doesn't surprise me.

    I am both Gabrielas, by the way. I am more than willing to listen to people with differing opinions as long as they are polite, respectful, civil, humane, and not out for blood. If I lose my temper and tell you to shove your indignation up your ass, I don't apologize for it. I was raked over the coals very unfairly yesterday and I had had enough. That's why I quit the group. I don't need to be subjected to that abuse just because I have a different opinion.

    I will not be bullied. I will not be intimidated by the hordes. And i will not be silenced. I will continue with this blog and share my opinions with those who care to listen to them. To those who don't ... you don't have to read this blog.

  15. Your opinion is uninformed, though, at least in this specific post. That's not an insult, it's a fact. Because you are a fat woman does not mean that you are an informed professional on the subject of BBW dating and relationships. You cited no studies, statistics or articles or professionals like sociologists, sex experts, or relationship therapists. All you have is your own self-developed opinion. That is the very definition of uninformed.

    Had you actually posted a reliable outside source of information, I think two things would have happened. I think that people would have responded to you in a very different manner, and I KNOW you would have found that your assumptions are inaccurate. How do I know? Because I actually did go and do some reading on sexuality and dating in today's society to make sure I wasn't talking out of my butt.

    Taking the view that a man won't want a relationship with a woman he views as promiscuous is as archaic as saying things like "wed him before you bed him", "he wants a lady on the streets and a hooker in the sheets", and other "guidelines" that have been dumped upon women for thousands of years.

    Nobody is out to silence you. No one deleted your words or barred you from posting anywhere. Disagreeing with you is not silencing. I guarantee that, just as you felt attacked and like you were in a hostile environment, you also made people feel that way with this blog post.

    As a blogger that is so ready to dole out your opinion, you also need to be receptive to receiving your readers' opinions in return, or you won't be taken seriously and your opinions won't be taken into consideration, because that's exactly how you'll make a lot of your readers feel you think about them.

  16. I never purported to be an academic. I am an average fat woman and this blog is geared towards average fat women, living in the real world, living real lives, not with their heads up their asses.

    As an average fat woman, I don't feel the need to cite studies proving my point. My experiences are enough.

    Do you know my dating and romantic history? So just because I didn't cite studies, statistics, and numbers proving my point makes my opinion and experiences invalid?

    Yeah ... I know where you're coming from.

  17. i did not abuse threaten or swear at you preacher .. yet you abused and swore at me .. i tried to civilly put my point across all you did was abuse me swear at me and prove what a loving humane individual you are /// NOT ..... you do not wish to see other peoples valid points or opinions yours are all that matter // which makes you either a hypocrite ?? or extremely uneducated .. so you dont know any different .. which is it?

  18. When somebody invades my personal space WITHOUT INVITATION they get what they deserve. Don't give me YOUR holier-than-thou speech ... you got what you deserved. Now stop crying about it, for fuck's sake. If someone comes at me at the level of a bully, don't be all surprised and upset when you get kicked to the curb.