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You can also find more of my writing at three great websites: Large in Charge magazine, Fierce, Freethinking Fatties, and More of Me to Love. Links are below.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Backlash! Part 1 -- My Apology

Today’s blog is going to be a little different. It’s going to be a blog about a blog … specifically a blog I wrote last week. It ignited a HUGE amount of response, both positive and negative … and the response was so overwhelming that it needs to be addressed.


I got a TON of feedback from last week’s blog. Some of it was positive, and some of it was extremely negative. Some of it was so negative that I actually had to quit a group I was a part of on Facebook because of the reception I received there. The ferocity and relentlessness of the negativity really concerned and alarmed me, and I am going to be addressing the harassment in Part 2 of this blog because it is a subject in itself. It’s a serious issue that has to be dealt with and I intend to deal with it.

But for now, I want to do something more important.

The first thing I want to do is apologize. I received a lot of feedback from BBWs who read my blog and watched my video and told me they were offended by my choice of words, and by the way I chose to express my views, and for that, I am truly sorry. My intention was not to insult, judge, degrade, or demean any BBWs for their right to pose for pictures in whatever manner they choose. I also want to apologize to any men I may have offended. I still stand by my belief that most men who respond to these kinds of pictures are not primarily looking for a relationship, but I admit that is a bit of a generalization. No, not all of you are just ogling, grinning lechers … and I also know that appreciating the beauty of the female body does not preclude you from treating women well. So I apologize if I offended any of you as well.

The subject of BBWs, their bodies, their appearance, and the way that they present themselves is a HUGE topic. A VAST topic. My blog was a mere fraction of that topic.

This is what my blog was about: SINGLE BBWs WHO POSE PROVOCATIVELY IN ORDER TO ATTRACT A MATE. That was the subject of my blog. But the response I received turned it into something completely different.

I was accused of saying that BBWs shouldn’t dress a certain way, look a certain way, or act a certain way. I said nothing of the kind.

THIS IS WHAT MY BLOG WAS ABOUT: Single BBWs who pose provocatively in order to attract a mate. But very few people chose to focus on my topic. They saw or heard my words, interpreted them in their own way, and accused me of saying all kinds of things.

I take responsibility for some of that misinterpretation, which is why I started this blog with an apology. I realize that I could have chosen my words better and I was probably not as careful as I should have been to make sure that my meaning was clear and understood.

My blog was not about a BBWs right to pose provocatively if she wants to … what kind of clothes she chooses to wear … whether she wants to be monogamous or not … or if she even wants a mate.

It was about BBWs WHO POSE PROVOCATIVELY IN ORDER TO ATTRACT A MATE and my belief … MY BELIEF! … that it does not benefit them.

I got positive feedback. I heard from many people who totally agreed with me. I also heard from people who totally disagreed with me, but who were unemotional about it and did not infer anything offensive from my point of view. Then I heard from people of a whole different breed, who disagreed with me and who were extremely angry … who felt that I was judging them and that I was being insulting and demeaning.

I heard from women who said that they had posed provocatively and met their soul mates as a result. I heard from women who said that they had had nothing but great experiences from being open and free with their bodies. To those women, I say: That’s great! I am very happy for you.

I never said that it was impossible to meet a great person by posing provocatively … I said it was unlikely, and I still believe that initiating a great relationship in this way is not the norm. You may disagree with me, but that’s my opinion. That is what free speech is all about. People are entitled to speak their opinions. I speak mine, you speak yours. Neither one of us is right or wrong. We are simply stating OUR personal truths.

There is a wonderful website called Adipositivity.com, which features the work of the very talented photographer Substantia Jones. She photographs large women and often photographs them nude, in sexy poses with their partners, or in just plain sexy poses. I LOVE her work and I think that it is beautiful and brilliant.

I know that some people will call me a hypocrite for saying the Adipositivity photographs are beautiful because of my opinion that it’s unadvisable for a BBW to pose provocatively if she’s looking for a mate. But to me, it’s not the same thing. Let me explain the difference.

I believe that our bodies are sacred things. It’s a little scary to me that this belief has become old-fashioned and archaic to some of you. I believe that it’s especially true for BBW bodies. Why? Because they have been demeaned and degraded by society for so long. We’ve been told that we’re ugly, that we’re not sexy, that we’re not good enough. Obviously, this is untrue. But when you expose your private body parts for no purpose other than to titillate and attract attention, to me that reveals insecurity and a search for acceptance. That is not a BBW who loves herself. That’s a BBW who is using her body in the hopes of finding someone who will love her so that she can finally love herself.

You may disagree with me, but that is my opinion. I know, because I speak from experience. Many people asked me what I was basing my opinion on. The answer is: My own experience. At one time, I used my body as a way to find acceptance. I thought my breasts were my ticket to love. When I think of the men I allowed to partake in the glory of my breasts who were definitely not worthy of them (with the hopes of finding love), it makes me shudder. But I learned from it. And thankfully those days are long behind me.

You say that’s not your experience? You say that you bared your body and have been treated respectfully and wonderfully by every man you’ve ever met? Congratulations. I’m happy for you. But that was not my experience, and it has not been the experience of many other women.

So, in closing, I hope this clears up any misunderstanding or misinterpretation I may have unintentionally fostered with my blog. Once again, I sincerely apologize to any BBWs who I offended or insulted with my words. My intention was only to help and give what I believe was the best advice to any BBWs looking for love and using their bodies to help them find it.

I have learned a huge lesson here. As a writer, I’d already learned this lesson, but this experience gave me a refresher course on the reality of this concept: Words can be extremely powerful. The slightest nuance can change the well-intentioned into the destructive.

I will do my best from now on to make sure that every blog I write contains only the words that best express my opinions and intentions, and do not unintentionally offend others. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to refrain from expressing my honest opinion, even if it’s unpopular – but I will do my best to make sure that I don’t unnecessarily offend the very people I am trying to help.

Thanks for reading and watching. Stay tuned tomorrow for Part 2, where I deal with the hatred and harassment that resulted from this blog. Believe me – YOU WON’T WANT TO MISS WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!!!!

5 comments:

  1. Miss ZuipperpipsApril 4, 2012 at 9:12 AM

    I have nothing to add about the actual content or the message of the article, that’s already been said, rather about the way it was written. I think two of the things I learned from my English course at Uni could be useful.

    1. The Death of the Author.

    This has nothing to do with killing writers. All it means is that once a piece of writing has been finished and published, (or in this case posted to the internet), what the author meant does not matter anymore, only what they wrote matters. The readers are making a judgement based on the writing because that is all they’ve been given, the author is out of the picture. The readers are not psychic, they cannot infer intent – all they can see is what’s been written. Once the piece is finished, there shouldn’t be any need for a commentary or clarifying posts because the whole message should be right there in the text. If the writer hasn’t said, clearly, exactly what they meant, they leave themselves open to interpretations which may well run contrary to what they had in mind.

    2. When writing an essay, keep referring back to the title/original premise.

    I think a lot of the confusion and anger surrounding your ‘Keep Your Clothes On’ article results from not doing this. You address women taking their clothes off for the purpose of enticing men for a couple of paragraphs towards the beginning but for the bulk of the article (including the introductory paragraph itself) this doesn’t come across. You move to what reads as a direct correlation between general internet nudity and lack of success with relationships, which wasn’t your intent but is the message your readers are getting because by this point you’ve stopped talking directly about the idea behind the piece. It is not always enough to mention something at the beginning and then assume that the rest of the article will be read with that in mind. You have to draw a direct connection (not just re-post the message in red caps every second paragraph) between every point you make and the original premise because what may seen to be an obvious relationship to you may be a non-sequitur to me or a direct contradiction to someone else.

    It could be something to bear in mind for controversial topics in the future:
    Make sure you have written exactly what you mean.
    - Make sure that you relate everything you have said directly to your original premise.
    None of this will make people agree with you any more than they do now but it might put an end to some reader’s anger at what they’ve read and your frustration that they’re missing the point.

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  3. Oh ... aka Naomi Dewhurst, what do you know ... please tell my readers another important fact about you ... the woman who emailed me to harass me and then posted those emails on a group page on Facebook. Yes, such a mature, dignified thing to do.

    I have a question for you, Naomi. If you're happy and in such a la-la land with your life, why are you so angry about my opinion? Why did you feel the need, nearly a month later, to email me about this? Hasn't it kind of worn off yet? Why does my opinion bug you so much?

    If you took the time to read this post (which you obviously didn't -- either that, or like so many other facebook readers, you have severe ADD), you would see that i said all I had to say about this, and it should have clarified my position and what I was actually saying. But you and others like you seem to just be happy having someone to point fingers at, shout indignation at, stomp your feet like children if people don't agree with you, and continually try to browbeat and harass until they say what you want them to say. I will never say what you want me to say (obviously). Nothing I can say would ever satisfy you.

    I read your blog. You said "if you're conseravative, thats ok". Oh really?????? Hmmmmm .... some might see my views as conservative. But to you, those aren't ok. A bit of a contradiction, there. Maybe you need to do some proofreading before you hit the publish button?

    And you're so predictable. I said in this video some people would call me a hypocrite. What's one of the last words you chose to label me?

    You need to learn to read. And you need to learn to respect other people's opinions, and not post private emails on Facebook pages if someone doesn't agree with you. You're goddam right I swore at you and told you you made me want to vomit. I don't owe you an apology for anything.

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  4. Your "slideshow", video, whatever you want to call it, have been removed. Believe me, if I had known you were behind the video, I would never have posted it in the first place.

    It's really sad that you are missing the point here. And don't bother sikking any more of your buddies like "Chef Jo" on me ... you people really, really need to get lives. What do you do when you're not harassing and stalking people electronically? Oh yeah! Posing nude! lol

    Glad you won't be back.

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