They Just Have No Clue

Awhile ago, I researched fat hatred on craigslist, using their “Rants & Raves” section. Ever since then, I’ve gone back and visited occasionally, partly to see if fat hate is still alive and well (it is), and partly because some of the posts are quite funny. 90% of them are written by ignorant fools, but 10% are actually written by educated, intelligent people.

Recently, the subject of escorts came up. It got heated because I couldn’t resist putting in my two cents (actually, more like a hundred bucks). I started going back and forth with this one particular guy who was all in favour of them. He believed that “escorts” provide an essential service to lonely, sexually frustrated men, and that those of us who believe that prostitution is sad and disgusting have no compassion for a man’s plight. This guy genuinely believed that he was being considerate frequenting escorts … otherwise, he would just break some woman’s heart by “leading her on” with a dinner date, and disappearing after post-date sex. (Plus, he’d actually have to pay for dinner, which was another deterrent, since there was no guarantee of post-date sex.)

The second subject I’ve seen come up repeatedly is men complaining about the lack of approachable women in Toronto. One of them was so hostile and angry about it that he referred to all Toronto women as     C#%$TS (in emphatic caps). He said that all Toronto women were snobby, stuck-up bitches who only care about how much money a man makes and what kind of car he drives.

So, both of these men were complaining about how there were no women out there to meet their needs, and one of them felt perfectly justified in paying for sex if he had to. After all, men are highly sexual creatures who must have their penises serviced at all costs.

I started thinking … wow. If these men only knew how well I understood what they were saying.

As a large woman, I am no stranger to sexual frustration. Whether it’s a blessing or a curse, I was born with a high sex drive and an active imagination. The combination of the two, along with my size, caused me to spend far too much time in my life yearning for a male partner to satisfy my needs, going months -- and sometimes even years at a time! -- without feeling a man’s touch. Never once did I consider going out and paying for it. Even if I would’ve had bags of money at my disposal, it wouldn’t have been an option for me.

I realize that prostitution is more of a man’s recourse than a woman’s, and that it’s pretty much a given that most men will visit a hooker at least once in their lives, even if it’s just as a curiosity, or part of a wild night out with the boys. But some men are actually slaves to their penises. Look at all the high-profile politicians and celebrities who end up getting busted after a dalliance with a hooker. These guys don’t need to pay for sex … they could get any woman they wanted. It’s more like a thrill for them, something they do simply because they CAN, and because they enjoy having that dirty little secret in their lives.

It’s virtually unheard of for a woman to pay for sex. Even though I felt like I was on the brink of madness at times, going without sex for so long, it never even crossed my mind to pay for it. That’s because women equate sex with love, whereas men can totally remove emotion from the equation.

I couldn’t believe the cluelessness of this man telling me I had no compassion for a man’s loneliness or sexual needs. Yet I have no doubt that this same man would have had no compassion for my loneliness if he saw me. He would’ve said, “Well, you’re fat. That’s why you’re not getting laid. Lose some weight!” And the men who complained about how all Toronto women were cold bitches … who were they approaching? The ice queens in the clubs, the size 2s all dressed to the nines? Or the sweet, horny fat girl, who’d be only too glad to get a little male attention?

Don’t get me wrong … I love men. But I have come to the conclusion that men these days – and perhaps always – are the sexual equivalent of spoiled brats. They believe that no matter how obnoxious their personalities are, no matter how tainted or corrupt their morals are, and – unfairest of all!– no matter what they look like, that it should not hamper their sex lives one bit. It’s almost like a birthright, which is why they feel no shame about paying for it.

It’s a birthright for us, too. But how many of us endure the loneliness, the sexual frustration? It’s not considered “proper” for a woman to take control of her sex life and just go out and get laid if she wants to.

Years ago, I remember one boyfriend telling me that before he met me, he’d felt sexually starved, and I felt exactly the same way. And it’s not even just sex … it would probably be more accurate to say that we feel starved for affection, for another person’s touch, even if it’s just an affectionate pat or a hug. Yet some of us endure years without feeling that connection with another person, and some women have never experienced it at all, because we believe that we don’t deserve to get our needs met.

It’s incredibly sad. You know the old joke about how men think more with the head between their legs than the one on their shoulders? Sadly, it’s all too true. Some men can just be so painfully fucking stupid.