Dear Gaby - Column 2

Dear Gaby,

I'm a full figured lady and want to ask for your advice. I've been dating a guy for the past 3 months that I met on the internet. We met in person in the grocery store parking lot near my house and I was very attracted to him. We talked for a couple of hours and since I only lived a few minutes away, I invited him to come over to my place so we could talk some more. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. It's been 3 months since we started seeing each other and he's never taken me out or suggests we go anywhere. He always comes over to my place and we end up watching a movie and having sex. I've asked him a few times about going out, but he says he's in between jobs right now and money is tight for him. I really do care about him and the sex is great. Do you think he's ashamed to be seen with me in public? Should I just stop asking him to take me out?

-- Cabin fever

Readers, I'm convinced that whenever we ask someone else for advice, we already know the answer. The answer is actually screaming in our faces, but we just don't want to hear it. Cabin fever, I'll briefly answer your questions at the end of your letter, and then go into more detail about your situation. Do I think he's ashamed to be seen with you? YES. Should you just stop asking him to take you out? If sex is all you want and you're okay with being used as a booty call, then yes. Actually, it probably wouldn't matter much if you kept asking, because he'd just keep coming up with another bullshit excuse that you would accept. Sorry if I sound harsh, but it boggles my mind when I hear about women in situations like this.

If you'll remember our letter from last week, the lady who wrote in was allowing her boyfriend to call her names and treat her like crap. She obviously did not feel very good about herself, and found herself someone who would treat her the way she believed she deserved to be treated. You've done the same thing, with sex.

Do you want a relationship, or do you just want some recreational sex? If recreational sex is all you want, then this situation shouldn't be a problem. However, since it obviously bothers you, and you're asking him to take you out, it sounds like you want more than just sex from this guy. The problem is, you're asking too late. What do you expect a guy to do when you make it so easy? You said you met this guy, and the first time you met, you went back to your place and had sex with him. Now you're expecting him to take you out? Why should he? He's already gotten the prize, you're continuing to let him get the prize by allowing him to come over and have sex with you whenever he feels like it. You gave it away. You can't really blame him for going for it. There aren't too many men out there who will turn down the opportunity for easy sex.

Personally, I think your first clue should have been the venue for this first "date". What kind of a meeting place is the parking lot of a grocery store? You couldn't have met at a coffee shop, restaurant, or park? I don't know whether it was you or him who suggested that meeting place, but the bells were ringing already. Secondly, this guy claims he can't take you out because he's "in between jobs" and money is tight? What the hell is he doing trying to hook up with someone then? If he can't afford to take anyone out, his first concern should be getting a goddam job! I'll be willing to bet it wouldn't make a difference if he had a job anyway, and for all you know, he does. Why should he spend money on someone who's already given it up for him? It's kind of like finding a free lottery ticket on the ground that's worth a million bucks. Is he going to go out and buy another one after he finds a free winning one? No.

A lot of large women fall into the same trap you have, which is believing that unless they have sex with a guy, he won't be interested in them. A lot of large women figure that if they'll do whatever he wants in bed, they'll be so outstanding that he'll fall in love with them and want to be with them. Big mistake. Men don't fall in love with sex. Men love sex, but they can get sex anywhere. Pussy is a dime a dozen. There are all kinds of women out there desperate to have a man, and are more than willing to offer easy sex as an incentive. They think it's foolproof. Yeah, it's foolproof alright -- for a night or so. Or like you, if you continue to allow him to use you as his sure thing, it'll last as long as you want it to, or until he gets bored with you.

This "relationship" is not a relationship. It's a mutual agreement to have sex, and that's it. Once that arrangement has been made, it can't be undone. So it's your choice: either let things continue as they are -- (you say the sex is great, so at least that's a good thing) -- or, tell him you're looking for more than sex, that it's been very nice, but move on. But don't expect things to change. You set the tone for the relationship when you took him back to your place on the first meeting and had sex with him.

If you do decide to move on and try and meet someone else, be more selective next time. When a guy suggests you meet him in a parking lot, run. Normal date venues, please. And get to know him before you sleep with him. If he doesn't want to get to know you first, you know that sex is all he's interested in. Do you think you deserve more than just sex from a relationship? I hope so.

Readers, our motto for today is: We get treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Be very careful when meeting a potential mate for the first time. You are setting the ground rules for how they will treat you in the future.