They Just Have No Clue

Awhile ago, I researched fat hatred on craigslist, using their “Rants & Raves” section. Ever since then, I’ve gone back and visited occasionally, partly to see if fat hate is still alive and well (it is), and partly because some of the posts are quite funny. 90% of them are written by ignorant fools, but 10% are actually written by educated, intelligent people.

Recently, the subject of escorts came up. It got heated because I couldn’t resist putting in my two cents (actually, more like a hundred bucks). I started going back and forth with this one particular guy who was all in favour of them. He believed that “escorts” provide an essential service to lonely, sexually frustrated men, and that those of us who believe that prostitution is sad and disgusting have no compassion for a man’s plight. This guy genuinely believed that he was being considerate frequenting escorts … otherwise, he would just break some woman’s heart by “leading her on” with a dinner date, and disappearing after post-date sex. (Plus, he’d actually have to pay for dinner, which was another deterrent, since there was no guarantee of post-date sex.)

The second subject I’ve seen come up repeatedly is men complaining about the lack of approachable women in Toronto. One of them was so hostile and angry about it that he referred to all Toronto women as     C#%$TS (in emphatic caps). He said that all Toronto women were snobby, stuck-up bitches who only care about how much money a man makes and what kind of car he drives.

So, both of these men were complaining about how there were no women out there to meet their needs, and one of them felt perfectly justified in paying for sex if he had to. After all, men are highly sexual creatures who must have their penises serviced at all costs.

I started thinking … wow. If these men only knew how well I understood what they were saying.

As a large woman, I am no stranger to sexual frustration. Whether it’s a blessing or a curse, I was born with a high sex drive and an active imagination. The combination of the two, along with my size, caused me to spend far too much time in my life yearning for a male partner to satisfy my needs, going months -- and sometimes even years at a time! -- without feeling a man’s touch. Never once did I consider going out and paying for it. Even if I would’ve had bags of money at my disposal, it wouldn’t have been an option for me.

I realize that prostitution is more of a man’s recourse than a woman’s, and that it’s pretty much a given that most men will visit a hooker at least once in their lives, even if it’s just as a curiosity, or part of a wild night out with the boys. But some men are actually slaves to their penises. Look at all the high-profile politicians and celebrities who end up getting busted after a dalliance with a hooker. These guys don’t need to pay for sex … they could get any woman they wanted. It’s more like a thrill for them, something they do simply because they CAN, and because they enjoy having that dirty little secret in their lives.

It’s virtually unheard of for a woman to pay for sex. Even though I felt like I was on the brink of madness at times, going without sex for so long, it never even crossed my mind to pay for it. That’s because women equate sex with love, whereas men can totally remove emotion from the equation.

I couldn’t believe the cluelessness of this man telling me I had no compassion for a man’s loneliness or sexual needs. Yet I have no doubt that this same man would have had no compassion for my loneliness if he saw me. He would’ve said, “Well, you’re fat. That’s why you’re not getting laid. Lose some weight!” And the men who complained about how all Toronto women were cold bitches … who were they approaching? The ice queens in the clubs, the size 2s all dressed to the nines? Or the sweet, horny fat girl, who’d be only too glad to get a little male attention?

Don’t get me wrong … I love men. But I have come to the conclusion that men these days – and perhaps always – are the sexual equivalent of spoiled brats. They believe that no matter how obnoxious their personalities are, no matter how tainted or corrupt their morals are, and – unfairest of all!– no matter what they look like, that it should not hamper their sex lives one bit. It’s almost like a birthright, which is why they feel no shame about paying for it.

It’s a birthright for us, too. But how many of us endure the loneliness, the sexual frustration? It’s not considered “proper” for a woman to take control of her sex life and just go out and get laid if she wants to.

Years ago, I remember one boyfriend telling me that before he met me, he’d felt sexually starved, and I felt exactly the same way. And it’s not even just sex … it would probably be more accurate to say that we feel starved for affection, for another person’s touch, even if it’s just an affectionate pat or a hug. Yet some of us endure years without feeling that connection with another person, and some women have never experienced it at all, because we believe that we don’t deserve to get our needs met.

It’s incredibly sad. You know the old joke about how men think more with the head between their legs than the one on their shoulders? Sadly, it’s all too true. Some men can just be so painfully fucking stupid.

Dear Gaby - Column 2

Dear Gaby,

I'm a full figured lady and want to ask for your advice. I've been dating a guy for the past 3 months that I met on the internet. We met in person in the grocery store parking lot near my house and I was very attracted to him. We talked for a couple of hours and since I only lived a few minutes away, I invited him to come over to my place so we could talk some more. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. It's been 3 months since we started seeing each other and he's never taken me out or suggests we go anywhere. He always comes over to my place and we end up watching a movie and having sex. I've asked him a few times about going out, but he says he's in between jobs right now and money is tight for him. I really do care about him and the sex is great. Do you think he's ashamed to be seen with me in public? Should I just stop asking him to take me out?

-- Cabin fever

Readers, I'm convinced that whenever we ask someone else for advice, we already know the answer. The answer is actually screaming in our faces, but we just don't want to hear it. Cabin fever, I'll briefly answer your questions at the end of your letter, and then go into more detail about your situation. Do I think he's ashamed to be seen with you? YES. Should you just stop asking him to take you out? If sex is all you want and you're okay with being used as a booty call, then yes. Actually, it probably wouldn't matter much if you kept asking, because he'd just keep coming up with another bullshit excuse that you would accept. Sorry if I sound harsh, but it boggles my mind when I hear about women in situations like this.

If you'll remember our letter from last week, the lady who wrote in was allowing her boyfriend to call her names and treat her like crap. She obviously did not feel very good about herself, and found herself someone who would treat her the way she believed she deserved to be treated. You've done the same thing, with sex.

Do you want a relationship, or do you just want some recreational sex? If recreational sex is all you want, then this situation shouldn't be a problem. However, since it obviously bothers you, and you're asking him to take you out, it sounds like you want more than just sex from this guy. The problem is, you're asking too late. What do you expect a guy to do when you make it so easy? You said you met this guy, and the first time you met, you went back to your place and had sex with him. Now you're expecting him to take you out? Why should he? He's already gotten the prize, you're continuing to let him get the prize by allowing him to come over and have sex with you whenever he feels like it. You gave it away. You can't really blame him for going for it. There aren't too many men out there who will turn down the opportunity for easy sex.

Personally, I think your first clue should have been the venue for this first "date". What kind of a meeting place is the parking lot of a grocery store? You couldn't have met at a coffee shop, restaurant, or park? I don't know whether it was you or him who suggested that meeting place, but the bells were ringing already. Secondly, this guy claims he can't take you out because he's "in between jobs" and money is tight? What the hell is he doing trying to hook up with someone then? If he can't afford to take anyone out, his first concern should be getting a goddam job! I'll be willing to bet it wouldn't make a difference if he had a job anyway, and for all you know, he does. Why should he spend money on someone who's already given it up for him? It's kind of like finding a free lottery ticket on the ground that's worth a million bucks. Is he going to go out and buy another one after he finds a free winning one? No.

A lot of large women fall into the same trap you have, which is believing that unless they have sex with a guy, he won't be interested in them. A lot of large women figure that if they'll do whatever he wants in bed, they'll be so outstanding that he'll fall in love with them and want to be with them. Big mistake. Men don't fall in love with sex. Men love sex, but they can get sex anywhere. Pussy is a dime a dozen. There are all kinds of women out there desperate to have a man, and are more than willing to offer easy sex as an incentive. They think it's foolproof. Yeah, it's foolproof alright -- for a night or so. Or like you, if you continue to allow him to use you as his sure thing, it'll last as long as you want it to, or until he gets bored with you.

This "relationship" is not a relationship. It's a mutual agreement to have sex, and that's it. Once that arrangement has been made, it can't be undone. So it's your choice: either let things continue as they are -- (you say the sex is great, so at least that's a good thing) -- or, tell him you're looking for more than sex, that it's been very nice, but move on. But don't expect things to change. You set the tone for the relationship when you took him back to your place on the first meeting and had sex with him.

If you do decide to move on and try and meet someone else, be more selective next time. When a guy suggests you meet him in a parking lot, run. Normal date venues, please. And get to know him before you sleep with him. If he doesn't want to get to know you first, you know that sex is all he's interested in. Do you think you deserve more than just sex from a relationship? I hope so.

Readers, our motto for today is: We get treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Be very careful when meeting a potential mate for the first time. You are setting the ground rules for how they will treat you in the future.

Dear Gaby -- Column 1

Welcome to the first edition of "Dear Gaby", my advice column for BBWs. I've always thought I have all the qualifications to make an effective advice columnist: 1. plenty of life experience; 2. a well-earned supply of common sense, courtesy of the School of Hard Knocks; 3. straight-up, no-bullshit delivery; and 4. a genuine desire to help people. The similarity of my name to another famed advice columnist, Dear Abby, has never been lost on me, either (haha).

I would like to make this a regular feature, so if any of you readers have a question relating to being a large person -- whether it's relationship issues, work issues, family issues, you name it -- just email it to me and I will get back to you. I'll let you know if I use your letter in my blog. Confidentiality is assured.

Here's our first letter:

My boyfriend calls me names like bitch, slut, whore, ugly, fat, skank, smelly, tramp, etc. But then he tells me he loves me and that he was just joking and doesn't mean it. Well, I don't take it as a joke and I take it very seriously. Do you think I'm overreacting? Would you take it as a joke?

-- Not joking around

Wow. Honey, I can't even believe you have to ask me, or anyone else, this question. You already know the answer. Of course you're not overreacting! Let me ask you this: If this guy were talking to your mother, sister, or best friend like this, would you think it was okay? Listen, I don't mean to dump on you, but it sounds like you have a serious case of low self-esteem. You're not alone, though. Many, many women do, especially BBWs, because we generally get used to being treated in a disrespectful manner. However, we have to learn to stand up for ourselves and let people know that we will not tolerate abuse in any form. When you condone this kind of behaviour, you're actually reinforcing it, and telling the person, "It's okay to treat me this way, go ahead. I won't stop you. I actually agree with you."

That old "I was just joking" excuse has probably been around since the dawn of time. A lot of women excuse it by saying, "Well, at least he doesn't hit me." It doesn't matter if abuse is "just" verbal. There's no "just" about it. Verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse --possibly even more damaging! -- because at least physical scars heal. Emotional scars can last a very long time.

You need to get out of this relationship. I mean, how good can it be, anyway, with this kind of behaviour going on? Is the sex that good? NO sex is that good. I understand a BBWs fear of not being able to find someone else if you leave. It is hard to find a good man these days, and a lot of us figure, "I might as well stick with this, because what else am I going to get out there?" Isn't it pathetic that we have to think this way? But I understand, it crosses your mind. It makes you hesitate. Yes, there are BBW lovers out there, but there are also plenty of manipulators and liars who prey on BBWs with exactly this kind of mindset. I understand it's difficult, honey. But ask yourself this: Are you willing to put up with this for rest of your life? Is this the kind of relationship you've always dreamed of?

The situation is a little more complicated if you have kids with this man, but it makes your leaving even more essential. Do you want your children to see this man treat you like this? What do you think it will teach them? Girls will learn that it's okay for a man to verbally abuse them, and boys will learn that it's okay to verbally abuse their future wives/girlfriends.

What galls me is how this man calls you these names, then has the nerve to claim he loves you. He obviously does not love you. A person who loves you does not call you abusive names. But he claims he does so that he can keep you around. Ask yourself this: What kind of a man wants to keep a depressed, lonely, emotionally wounded woman around? A man who doesn't think HE can get any better! You're actually a perfect match, in that way. You both feel like crap about yourselves, and don't feel like you can get any better.

Believe me, honey, you can get better. Even if the worst were to happen and you would never meet another man (which is highly unlikely), is that any reason to stay in this situation? No fucking way. You're better off alone than with a nasty, abusive man like this.

Please leave. You deserve better. Believe in yourself. And when you do leave, and he comes crawling back (which he definitely will, because you are his lifeline for feeling better about himself), tell him to get the hell out of your life once and for all. Be strong. You will find someone better if you start valuing yourself, protecting yourself, and start having higher standards about who you allow to get close to you. It's crucial that you build on your self-esteem, because if you don't, you'll end up attracting another man just like this one into your life.

Well, that's our first letter. Please, readers -- female or male -- if you have any questions regarding BBWs and would like an opinion, shoot me an email. Confidentiality is assured.

Till next time -- the motto for today (and every day) is: If you want someone in your life who loves you, treasures you, and treats you with respect -- treat YOURSELF that way first.

Fat or Phat: How Do You Define Yourself?

I’ve been in love with words as far back as I can remember. When I was a wee little itty bitty girl (hard to imagine me ever being itty bitty!), I regularly crawled over to a bookshelf in our back room and ran my fingers over the books. I remember looking at the words before I was able to read them, and wishing I could. I remember practicing writing when my older brothers were at school, and being so proud of the loopy squiggles I made with my pencil crayon. I guess that with this early fascination, it’s no surprise that I grew up needing – not just wanting -- to be a writer.

There are approximately 6,500 languages spoken in the world today. The most widely-spoken language is Mandarin Chinese. The most commonly-spoken languages after that, in order of rank, are: Spanish, English, Arabic, Hindi, Bengali, Portuguese, Russian, Japanese, and German.

What does this have to do with fat, you ask? Well, I started thinking: With all these languages, how many different words are there for the word “fat”? Not only that, but how many different words are there for variations of the word fat, such as plump, chubby, voluptuous, etc.? You’ve got to figure that with all the languages in the world, there must be literally thousands of different variations of the word “fat”.

Since I’m an English speaker, and I’m assuming that the majority of you reading this are English speakers, I’m going to focus on English variations of the word “fat”. Let’s examine the definitions (according to the Merriam Webster and Oxford dictionaries) and see how they range and differ:

Merriam Webster	Oxford
FAT – Plump, fleshy; Oily, greasy; well filled out; BIG; well stocked; ABUNDANT; richly rewarding	FAT – Natural oily or greasy substance found esp. in animal bodies; part of meat etc. containing this; corpulent; plump; containing much fat. Fertile. A thick [fat] book. A substantial [fat] cheque.

I love the word “abundant” in the Merriam Webster definition. The Oxford definition seems to be a little more focused on the biological aspects of fat.

Now let’s move on to some euphemisms or synonyms for the word “fat”:

Merriam Webster	Oxford
PLUMP – having a full rounded usu. pleasing form; fleshy, stout, roly-poly, rotund.	PLUMP – full or rounded in shape; fleshy.
CHUBBY – PLUMP.	CHUBBY – plump and rounded.
VOLUPTUOUS – giving sensual gratification; given to or spent in enjoyment of luxury or pleasure; luxurious, epicurean, sensuous.	VOLUPTUOUS – of, tending to, occupied with, or derived from, sensuous or sensual pleasure; (of a woman) curvaceous and sexually desirable.
ROLY POLY – rotund.	ROLY POLY – pudding made of a rolled strip of suet pastry covered with jam etc. and boiled or baked; podgy, plump.
ROTUND – rounded out; plump, chubby, portly, stout.	ROTUND – plump, podgy.
OBESE – excessively fat; corpulent, fleshy, gross, overweight, portly, stout.	OBESE – very fat.
OVERWEIGHT – weight above what is required or allowed; bodily weight greater than normal.	OVERWEIGHT – above an allowed or suitable weight; excess weight; preponderance.

I also took out my handy dandy Webster’s Thesaurus and looked up synonyms for the word “fat”:

abdominous, adipose, affluent, beefy, blowzy, corupulent, cushy, elephantine, fatling, fatty, fertile, fleshed, fleshy, flourishing, fozy, fruitful, greasy, gross, heavy, jammy, lucrative, lush, obese, oily, oleaginous, overweight, paunchy, pinguid, plump, poddy, podgy, portly, pot-bellied, productive, profitable, prosperous, pudgy, remunerative, rich, roly-poly, rotund, round, solid, squab, stout, suety, thriving, tubbish, tubby, well-upholstered.

Well-upholstered???? Lol

Anyway, I’m sure you get my point here. There are many, many different interpretations of the word “fat”. Let’s not forget PHAT, the modern term for something that is totally cool and awesome.

Some of the definitions have a negative connotation, but for the most part, I was surprised to note that most of them have a positive connotation, an indication of something promising, flourishing, growing, overflowing. The word “fertile” even showed up a couple of times. I love the word “fertile”, it’s a beautiful word:

FERTILE – producing plentifully; PRODUCTIVE (soils) (a mind); capable of

developing or reproducing; (seed) (a bull) fruitful, prolific, fecund, productive. [Merriam Webster]

How do you define yourself? Are you fat? Or are you PHAT?

I don’t know about you, but “voluptuous” works for me!