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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Men, Part 2

We’re going to get a little more serious today, because love is a serious matter. All of us want it. All of us want our assets to be recognized and appreciated, and to have one special person who can’t live without us. Unfortunately, it’s a lot harder for larger women to get that kind of recognition and appreciation. I remember being in high school and seeing all my friends start connecting with guys, getting boyfriends, and having their first sexual experiences. Like any girl, I wanted the same things, but it didn’t happen. I was so lonely and miserable. I kept thinking, Why not me? What was so horrible, so unacceptable, about me? I actually thought I was pretty cute, despite my chubbiness. Deep inside, though, I knew what was really special about me was that I had so much love, so much warmth, and so much passion to give. It was very painful to be deprived of giving it. Can you imagine offering someone a million dollars and then hear them say, “No thanks!” That’s what it felt like to me.

Looking back, suffering from that “love deprivation” actually benefited me, because it forced me to look deep inside and ask myself what kind of man I wanted. He would have to be someone strong, confident, and unafraid. Someone who didn’t care what other people thought of him. Someone who was definitely different than the average guy. Someone who was not afraid to stand out. It took me a hell of a long time to find him, and in the process my heart got broken numerous times. Then I found out something alarming when I did find him: even though he did have those qualities, and loved me for who I was, he still wasn’t perfect. That illusion we all have, of Prince Charming coming along and making everything right, is such a bogus fairy tale. Men are human beings, just like us, and nobody’s perfect. But that’s a bigger topic for another day.

For now, I’d like to help those of you who are still searching for Mr. Right by going through the “types” I listed yesterday, and advising strategies on how to best deal with them. I hope it helps those of you who are looking for love, especially younger BBWs. If I can save any of you from heartbreak and guide you toward satisfying romance, then my suffering will have been worthwhile! So, let’s go through each one and discuss:

1.  The Momma’s Boy. Not the worst of the lot, but definitely has drawbacks. The Momma’s Boy’s main preoccupation in life is his own comfort and convenience. He won’t deliberately mistreat you, but his needs will always come before yours. Oh, and if you and mom get into a disagreement? Guess whose side he’ll take? Not many of us are willing to live with that kind of imbalance for long. Plus, let’s face it, he is very boring. He’s not interested in much outside the sphere of his own existence, which is generally the radius of the television screen. If you can handle a very sedate, quiet existence, with not much excitement, then the Momma’s Boy may be for you. Otherwise, take a pass.

2.  The User/Player. This guy is pretty irresistible, it’s true! He’s your high school fantasy, the guy you always wanted but could never have. Then you meet him one night at a bar and you think, It’s finally happened. The love of my life! BEWARE!!! It’s sad, but he’s only being nice to you so he can get laid. Afterwards, when you give him your phone number and says he’ll call, and doesn’t … and days and weeks and months go by, and you’re STILL whining about him to your girlfriends … you finally see the light. You got played. General rule: Whenever you meet a hot guy in a bar, don’t expect anything serious. If you are confident enough and horny enough to see it for what it is -- a really great sex opportunity -- and simply enjoy that, then this guy may be for you. (Just make sure you protect yourself with birth control and use a condom in case of diseases.) But not many of us can remove our emotions like that. Women are wired to believe that sex and love are synonymous. Men are totally different. To them, sex is sex, love is love, and they’re perplexed when you don’t get the concept. So if you’re looking for love or a serious relationship, forget it. Buy yourself a vibrator and keep looking for Mr. Forever.

3.   The Fence Sitter. This one is dangerous. Have you ever heard of “passive aggressive” behaviour? It’s when someone does evil things in a low-key way in order to avoid repercussions. That’s this guy. He can seriously damage your self esteem. He may not be maliciously trying to hurt you. He’s just completely unconcerned with your feelings. Guys are just as instinctive as we are about attraction. He KNOWS you’re attracted to him, and he LOVES it. He actually feeds off it, and uses that energy boost he gets from you to go after the skinny girl he really wants. He may be really nice, he may be really smart, and he may be really cute. But the bottom line is, he doesn’t want you. So why give so much to the relationship? Stop fantasizing about the moment he “finally” sees your beauty and says, “I’m so stupid! Please forgive me!” It’s not going to happen. Focus on finding a guy who DOES see your beauty, and if you go to a movie with Mr. Fence Sitter and he puts a “friendly” arm around you? Pretend he’s your dad.

4.  The Online Creep. Dating has taken quite a technological turn these days. People are hooking up on the internet left and right. It’s so easy. All you have to do is point and click, and you’re flirting. But the majority of these guys are total flakes, if not outright perverts. Whenever a guy emails you or IMs you and asks you about your body, or for you to send pictures of yourself, make a beeline for the “X” button. This guy is probably a Momma’s Boy sitting at his computer in his underwear, hasn’t showered, hasn’t shaved, and is looking for a little fantasy time in which to pleasure himself – after which, he will probably relax before bed with a little SuperMario or Call of Duty. Even worse, he is actually looking to hook up with you – and about a dozen others. AVOID AVOID AVOID!!!! You might even want to sterilize your keyboard.

5.  The Asshole. I don’t need to say much here, do I? If I do, then you’re a really good candidate for counseling. Please don’t succumb to Mr. Anti-Love. He won’t change, and he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. If you want to torture yourself, a Fence Sitter would be better than this, as it’s possible to recover from the emotional ravages of a Fence Sitter. This guy might damage you for life. I know his fuck-the-world attitude is strangely attractive, but if that appeals to you, then just have him as a friend. Lord-God, do NOT sleep with him! If you do, then I hate to say it, but you deserve exactly what you get for not looking out for yourself.

6.  The Poser. This guy is another serious menace. The Poser and The Fence Sitter are the two most emotionally damaging types. (The Asshole is such a no-brainer I don’t even consider him damaging – he’s more like a self-inflicted gunshot wound.)  The Poser is especially offensive because he DOES see your beauty, and he loves it. But he’s a COWARD, which is about one of the worst things a man can be, in my opinion. Men are supposed to be strong, right? I’m not talking about physical strength (although that’s very nice), but emotional strength. They’re supposed to know who they are and what they want. This guy knows what he wants, but he’s ashamed of it. He is also passive-aggressive, because he gets what he wants by being deceptive. He tells you he loves you, and he tells his peers he doesn’t. Which is it? It isn’t love, because if he loved you, he wouldn’t betray you like that. AVOID AVOID AVOID!!!!!! I know this guy is tempting because of his sexual enthusiasm for you, which would be great if it was consistent. It isn’t, so move on. You deserve so much better.

7.  The Genuinely Decent Guy. Ah, the GDG. We love him. He is the absolute best. He’s kind to you, he’s sweet, he takes you places and he’s not afraid to be seen with you. He rocks. The only problem is, he’s human. He has faults, just like we do. Sometimes, he’s not always as attentive as you want him to be, because he has his own life going on. And when he commits the slightest transgression, you consider it the ultimate sin. So you punish him with your indifference, which leads to major arguments, possible breakups, and tearful reconciliations. Saddest of all, his love is so reassuring that you start to take it for granted, and test him with ridiculous little dramas. Ladies, cut the guy some slack. He cannot be EVERYTHING you want him to be. Are you perfect? Of course not, nobody is! So why would you expect him to be? If he treats you nice and genuinely loves you, count your lucky stars. This guy is one of a kind. Don’t risk losing him because of your insecurities. If you have needs that aren’t being met, discuss them with him. At least you know he’ll listen.

8.  The Perfect Guy. Goodbye, Prince Charming, we know you don’t exist. You’re just as fake as an airbrushed supermodel. We have been so thoroughly brainwashed by the possibility of your existence. Take a hike!

I hope this has been helpful, ladies. I know it’s hard to find a good guy. But don’t give up. Believe me, he is out there. You just need to find him. It’s like that famous quote about Michelangelo finding the sculpture within the stone. You have to chip away at the stone (the mass of men out there) to find the work of art within (him). Trust your instincts, and don’t compromise.

Most importantly, don’t put your life on hold until you find him. Do what interests you, develop yourself, have fun. Become the person you’ve always wanted to be. What kind of man do you want? Someone self-assured, sexy, kind, and smart, right? Men want the same things in a woman. If you are not afraid to show your true self, he will see it in you and fall head over heels.

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