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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Men, Part 1

Ah, men … one of my favourite topics! They are an endless source of discussion and analysis. For us larger women in particular, they are a Rubik’s Cube of questionable motives and puzzling behaviour. This is not to say that there aren’t some truly great guys out there. I’m not man-bashing, and I truly love men, probably way too much for my own good. (Please don't be offended, guys! You know we love you. I'm just having some fun here, but I'm also pointing out some genuine insights.)

I’m not saying I’m the ultimate authority on men, either. However, in my 46 years on this planet, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I think I’m well qualified to share my anthropological insights. I have devised a list of general “archetypes” that those of us of the heterosexual persuasion come across in our search for true love. I suppose this list is just as applicable to all women, not just us full-figured gals. But these are the types of men who I think we are most susceptible to, and who have been the most prevalent in my search for true love. Recommendations will follow in Part 2.

1.  The Momma’s Boy. Pretty self-explanatory. Has a tendency to sit around and watch TV a lot, and expects you to dote on him just like his mother did. He thinks the world of himself, and so does his mom. Not a very sharp dresser; his hygiene can be alarming. Once he has “won” you, his sexual interest wanes and your primary appeal is your housekeeping abilities.

2.  The User/Player.  Definitely the most alluring archetype. Usually extremely sexy and good-looking. Exudes a wild, exciting vibe that is extremely attractive. Sex with him is usually incredible. He can also be surprisingly well-spoken, and says everything you need him to. But don’t be fooled. It’s not about you, it’s all about him, and you are just one of his many conquests. He can be married or have a girlfriend, but more often than not, he’s a perennially single guy who just loves getting it on, with anyone and everyone. He claims to have “standards”, but if  he hasn’t picked anyone up by last call, you can bet he’ll take what he can get.

3.  The Fence Sitter.  Probably the most maddening of all the archetypes, because he constantly has you guessing. Does he want me, or doesn’t he? You can engage in the most intimate conversations with him and share the most meaningful moments together, yet as far as sex goes you might as well be a nun. After months of this puzzlingly unsatisfying interaction, you work up the courage to ask him point blank if he’s interested in you, to which he claims he cares for you, but “doesn’t feel that way about you”. Makes you cry a lot.

4.  The Online Creep.  Just plain nasty. Ranges in age from 20-something to 50+. When you’re on Facebook, sends you instant messages and asks you about your body. Asks for you to send him pictures as well. Conversation gets sexual after hello. Very often, characteristics of the User/Player archetype blended here.

5.  The Asshole.  Abrasive, arrogant, abusive. It's all about him, period. If you don't like it, you know what you can do. When you first meet him, usually masquerades as one of the other archetypes, but occasionally is so toxic doesn't even bother to hide his true self. He knows there is a certain type of woman who is drawn to him anyway and who will put up with his crap no matter what. Ironically, very often he is quite physically attractive, although his personality is completely repulsive. What a waste.

6.  The Poser.  Claims to care about you and has sex with you but will not go public with his feelings for you. Avoids physical contact in public. When put on the spot by friends, denies any intimate relationship. Then expects you to forgive him and have more sex with him.

7.  The Genuinely Decent Guy.  May not be the most attractive or exciting guy you’ll ever meet, but he is sweet, kind, and has a conscience. Usually very intelligent and well-educated. Occasionally exhibits facets of the Momma’s Boy archetype, but thankfully not often enough to cause real problems. You enjoy his company, but there is something missing in your relationship with him that drives you crazy. You enjoy the security and stability of being with him, yet you also crave the excitement of the User/Player archetype, and this often creates a great deal of conflict between you. You break up and get back together frequently.     

8.  The Perfect Guy. Has everything we want: Great looks. Sexy. Smart. Moral. Financially stable. Mentally stable. No addictions. He’ll take care of you and ask nothing in return except for your love. Forget it: HE DOESN’T EXIST.

Please bear in mind that men are human beings just like us and have multi-faceted personalities. They can often exhibit traits from several different archetypes all at once, but generally revert to one of the major types.

Coming up next: Men, Part 2 – in which I submit my recommendations for each archetype.

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