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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Diet Book Hilarity

This post isn’t going to be about the fact that diets don’t work. Everyone who has been on a diet knows that they don’t. This post is just to give you a good laugh at some of the ridiculous theories and suggestions we have been subjected to over the years.

First of all, let’s get started with advice from people we are supposed to emulate. It’s not a diet book, per se, just a general, overall treatise on how to be one of the beautiful people:

Question: Where are the windshield wipers for those glasses? And Her Royal Highness didn’t even write this herself. Notice the “as told to” note at the bottom. I can just see it now: Princess Luciana is sitting on her divan across from the author, about to grace us with her most elegant wisdom, and she gently tinkles the bell for Jeeves to bring the writer a cup of English breakfast tea and another vodka on the rocks for herself. Jesus. I wonder how the writer got through this interview without either gagging or breaking into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Next up is this little gem:

Of course it’s simple! Eat bananas! Nothing else! How much simpler can it get? Dumbasses.

You can tell this diet worked for this woman because of the smile on her face. You just know that she has a gorgeous hunk lounging in bed, waiting to help her out. Each orgasm = 300 calories! No wonder. Don’t you want to try this one? I sure do.

Hmmm … I didn’t realize the Holy Land was such a great locale for losing weight. Personally, I’d rather check out the Dome of the Rock or one of the other gazillion historical landmarks that fostered the foundation of so many world religions, but who knew … I might as well go on a diet while I’m there too!

And while we're in the ballpark:

Yes, God Himself has given us His own Diet, highlighted by those authoritative, pointing fingers. And here I was thinking he’d done enough work giving us all those commandments! These people have no shame and really owe God an apology, not to mention his share of the profits.

Here is the answer: eat like a caveman. I can’t wait to see those delicious Paleo recipes. What are they? Roasted gazelle with grass stew, and afterward, you can work off the calories by running your ass off from the sabretooth tiger! Makes sense.

This next one I'm a little conflicted about, and it'll be easy to see why:

God knows I'm a rebel, so they're really going for my demographic here ... not to mention that it looks like you might get to eat chocolate! Any diet that includes chocolate is at least worth considering, right?

I have saved my absolute favourite for last:

The title really says it all, doesn’t it? Do absolutely nothing, don’t change your habits at all, and the pounds will just melt off! Such sage advice. You can bet the chick in the bikini tried this diet, right? I have a feeling that Dr. Mezzi got his medical degree in the mail.

One undeniable bonus of diet books, people: They really know how to give us a good laugh.


  1. as i have said many times before money doesnt stink in the case of diet book authors jenny craig dr bernstein the more money weighs or the people who have it the better.. marcus lucinius crassus was the richest man in rome he owned the public toilets and would let your house burn down if you didnt sell for a good price his son complained that they made their money from shit and piss so crassus played by laurence olivier in spartacus said money has no smell

  2. It's always about the money ... and you never hear anybody complaining about having a fat wallet, do you? As a matter of fact ... the fatter the better! :)